10 Things I Hate About You: Take A Wiz

10. Bullets represents the D.C. area so much better than Wizards. People get shot there everyday, but I have yet to see a wizard show up and, for instance, fix the economy. Or even the Wiz roster, while he’s miraculously fixing things.

9. I figured out why DeShawn Stevenson holds his hand in front of his face like a retard when he hits a three. He has the plays written on his hand. That’s how he improved his SAT from 450 as a sophomore to 1,150 as a senior — by using his hand as a cheat sheet. Why change what works, right?

8. Speaking of Stevenson, Blackbeard once had a beard bet with Drew Gooden. Yes, the same Gooden who actually rocked a duck tail. Anyone who wants to be associated with the hairstyles of one Drew Gooden is a grade A douche.

7. This franchise drafted Gheorge Muresan, Manute Bol and Mugsy Bogues. Are they selling tickets to a game or a tent full of freak shows?

6. How come so many players — Chris Webber, Rasheed Wallace, Rip Hamilton and Tom Gugliotta, just off the top of my head — become All-Stars after they leave D.C.?

5. As bad as the Wizards are this year, I’d be surprised if they could sell out an actual phone booth, let alone the Verizon Center.

4. We may have been dumb enough to trade Caron Butler for Kwame Brown, but at least we weren’t dumb enough to select Brown No.1 overall. And to think, you could have had Pau Gasol instead. Oh yeah, we actually did trade Kwame for Pau. That’s gotta hurt.

3. Gilbert Arenas. Dude, you’re a fun player to have in the league, and I love Barack Obama, but… it’s “change we believe in” not “in believe we change.” Wow. And nice fingernails, dude.

2. Speaking of Agent Zero, the name is appropriate because that’s exactly what he’s contributed this season — nada. Is he still worth that 6-year, $111 million contract? I have a feeling that he’s going to make T-Mac look like an iron man over the next five or so years.

1. The Wizards franchise is so worthless that it made Michael Jordan look bad.

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