10 Things I Hate About You: Utah Jazz

10. My friend used to use Mark Eaton when we were kids in one of the early EA Sports NBA games. Used to reject my shots all over the place. Fuck that guy. Looked like a serial murderer on stilts.

9. Mehmet Okur’s hair. He’s like a younger, sleeker Rod Blagojevich.

8. AK47’s wife. She’s obviously trying to get herself a “get out of jail free” card to use down the line when she inevitably drops her pants for some Russian hockey stud. Skank.

7. The Utah Jazz homepage had the nerve to poll whether or not Paul Milsap was an All-Star. Paul Milsap couldn’t be Lamar Odom’s towel boy.

6. John Stockton’s daisy dukes will forever haunt white folks. White men can’t jump? Not when they wear shorts like that they can’t — their balls will plop out!

5. Karl Malone. The only Mailman I ever hated.

4. Jerry Sloan. I’ve been looking at this guy’s John Kerry face for most of my life. Can’t we get rid of him already?

3. Carlos Boozer. Hey, at least his mirror doesn’t wince when it sees the Jazz uniforms — it’s used to looking at his ugly mug.

2. Utah is directly responsible for Prop 8. So, let me get this straight; Polygamy is cool, but homosexuality is wack? I bet Boozer just can’t wait to re-sign so he can stay in the cultural epicenter of America! Then again, he is from Palinland. Who knows?

1. There is nothing — NOTHING! — jazzy about Utah. The only cool thing Utah has ever given us is Big Love.

comments powered by Disqus