10 Things I Hate About You: Utah Jazz


I can’t think of a better way to get up for Game Two than…

10 Things I Hate About You: Utah Jazz

10. My friend used to use Mark Eaton when we were kids in one of the early EA Sports NBA games. Used to reject my shots all over the place. F*** that guy. Looked like a serial murderer on stilts.

9. Mehmet Okur’s hair. He’s like a younger, sleeker Rod Blagojevich.

8. AK47′s wife. She’s obviously trying to get herself a “get out of jail free” card to use down the line when she inevitably drops her pants for some Russian hockey stud. Skank.

7. The Utah Jazz homepage had the nerve to poll whether or not Paul Milsap was an All-Star. Paul Milsap couldn’t be Lamar Odom’s towel boy. He could be Kobe Bryant’s poster boy, though.

6. John Stockton’s daisy dukes will forever haunt white folks. White men can’t jump? Not when they wear shorts like that they can’t — their balls will plop out!

5. Karl Malone. The only Mailman I ever hated.

4. Jerry Sloan. I’ve been looking at this guy’s John Kerry face for most of my life. Can’t we get rid of him already?

3. Carlos Boozer. Hey, at least his mirror doesn’t wince when it sees the Jazz uniforms — it’s too used to looking at his ugly mug.

2. Utah is directly responsible for Prop 8. So, let me get this straight; Polygamy is cool, but homosexuality is wack? I bet Boozer just can’t wait to re-sign so he can stay in the cultural epicenter of America! Then again, he is from Palinland. Who knows?

1. There is nothing — NOTHING! — jazzy about Utah. The only cool thing Utah has ever given us is Big Love. OK, maybe the Winter Olympics, too. It’s not like Utah was busy doing something else.

Tags: Jazz Lakers

  • Scott

    OK, follow this closely because it might blow your mind:

    - Polygamy is against the law in Utah, just like the marriage between two dudes or dudettes is against the law in California.

    - The vast MINORITY of Utahns approve of polygamy – just like the vast MINORITY approves gay marriage in California.

    - Utahns didn’t vote for Prop 8 – Californians did. The vast MAJORITY of blacks, Hispanics and other Christians voted for Prop 8 – do you antagonize their groups as obnoxiously as you do Utahns who had nothing to do with Prop 8?

    - How about Miss California anyway!?! Have you cried on Perez Hilton’s shoulders yet about her “biblically correct” answer!

    - You’re calling Mark Eaton ugly and you call yourself “kareem” – bwahahaaha!

  • Eric Larsen

    For one, Milsap didn’t even go for the block, or foul him nonetheless. And the one who looked the worst was MR. MVP himself, getting the ball stolen from him by long-n-lanky AK-47, after all the Razzmataz Kobe could put out there.
    By the way, have you ever left your congested, politically driven wack-job state long enough to go to Utah? Try it sometime, you just might like it.

  • nate

    eric, scott. love it.
    and might i add….
    our mvp can get women without raping them.
    lakers fans are posers.
    i can only hope that all of the pollution your worthless city puts into our atmosphere really does melt the icecaps, sinking LA (and San Francisco) into the ocean. hope you, the soul patch, and the rapist can swim.

  • s.p.

    California is such a messed up, smog filled over populated place, I hope it makes you feel better to put utah down. Go Jazz! Do you hate the Jazz because none of them have rape charges? Yellow and purple outfits? whats that? What an eye sore the lakers are. Why can’t the Jazz have normal colors like yellow and purple, then we would be cool, ha ha. Lakers suck, what a horrible team, they may be playing the best this season, but what a crappy team.

  • Oliver

    Hang about… YOUR dissing us for the name of the team!? Name me one lake in LA you smuck. All there is in LA is a load of smug ass celebs and a couple of homeless bums, not really a nice place to live unless your loaded.

    Also im fed up of seeing Phil Jackson, everytime i see him i begin to think of KFC, which makes me hungry!

  • Flex

    Do you realize that Utah has ran out most polygamists? I can’t believe that you didn’t thank the Jazz for giving back Fisher to you yuppies.

  • Boozer

    Uh, polygamy is illegal, even in Utah. You are a dumb cunt.

  • kareemabduladam

    Hey, Boozer, gangbanging is illegal in L.A., but at least us current and ex-Angelinos don’t pretend it doesn’t exist. Oh, by the way, the only polygamous relationship Lakers fans have is with multiple championships!

  • Andy Hurni

    sorry, I don’t get it