Memo To All Laker Haters: You Need Us

Maybe our jersey nameplates should read "They Hate We?"

They Hate We

This one goes out to all of you who make fun of Kobe’s mean mug.

This one goes out to all of you who claim Phil Jackson is nothing more than lucky.

This one goes out to all of you who talk trash on Lamar Odom’s pimptacular sense of style.

This one goes out to all of you who make non-stop Kobe rape jokes.

(Even though he was never found guilty, and the accuser was an American Idol reject and star****er — according to those who knew her, in high school she talked incessantly about wanting to become famous — in whose panties authorities found two other mens’ semen following her examination (ahem, whore).)

This one goes out to all of you who hate on Trevor Ariza, a great kid who overcame tragedy to get where he is today.

This one goes out to all of you who hate Sasha Vujacic.

(Actually, that’s the only one I really understand.)

This one goes out to all of you who think anyone with a Lakers flag is a bandwagon fan.

(Like we didn’t grow up idolizing Kareem or live in L.A. or etc…all of us just jumped on. Right.)

This goes out to all of you who attack Derek Fisher’s class, even though he is respected by his peers enough to hold the title of President of the NBA Players Association.

This one goes out to my old man, who calls me after every win and tells me how much he hates the Lakers. After every Lakers loss? Yeah, he basically throws a party over my grave.

And, yes, this one goes out to ESPN’s Bill Simmons. The most ridiculous Laker Hater out of the millions and millions. The guy who said Kobe was past his prime. The guy who is losing credibility over his redonkulously biased coverage of these Finals. The guy who is blocking people on Twitter like a mid-90s Deke just because they honestly criticize him. A guy who hates the Lakers to such a degree I bet deep down he wishes Magic wasn’t the only Laker with AIDS.

All of you Laker Haters need to shut up and listen for a minute. You listening now? Good.

YOU NEED US.

Nearly every great story has an equally great villain.

The Dark Knight had Heath Ledger’s brilliant rendition of the Joker.

The Godfather had Sollozzo and Co.

The Godfather II doubled up on the baddies — Don Ciccio and Hyman Roth.

The Lord of the Rings Trilogy had Sauron and all of his minions.

Moby Dick had that mean ass albino sperm whale named, well, Moby Dick.

How good would the recent Star Trek have been if it were Keanu Reeves hamming it up as Nero instead of Eric Bana? He wasn’t Khan, but he was pretty damn good.

Before the Lakers arrived as the bad guys for the rest of the NBA, all you had was bad. Bad basketball. Boring basketball. The Detroit Pistons and San Antonio Spurs. Bleh.

A story is only as good as its villain, no matter if that villain triumphs or fails. How monumental would the Celtics first title in over 20 years have been if it came against the Utah Jazz, instead of the hated rival Lakers? How invested would most of us be in a Denver Nuggets-Orlando Magic 2009 NBA Finals, with nobody to love and definitely nobody to hate (except for Cavs and Lakers fans)? For all your bitching, Laker Haters, you need us.

Our Lakers shouldn’t really be the bad guys. This team has always seemed like a crew of great guys to me. But I digress. I have accepted that the Lakers are the bad guys, the villains in the current NBA plot, because the other 90% of NBA fans need them to be the bad guys. We all need somebody to love? Sure, but if we can’t have somebody to love, we all need somebody to hate. I understand. I’m a Yankee Hater. When I see pinstripes I puke. Misery loves company. I get it.

You know what else? Like Kobe, I kind of relish being the enemy. Knowing that everyone and their mother is rooting against something that would bring me great joy. It makes the whole experience more fun. When we lose, yeah, it hurts a lot more with the legions of Laker Haters rubbing salt in the wounds. But when we win? It’s a special feeling to know you are part of a small percentage of basketball fandom jumping up and down in an act of celebration, while the rest of the hoops world is jumping up and down, red-faced, screaming expletives because the Lakers won it all and they just C.C. Sabathiaed a remote through a new HDTV set.

That being said, bring on Game Three, bring on the hate, and bring on the thank yous. You know you need us, NBA Nation. Thank the Lakers and their fans for being there for you, then get back to drinking your Haterade.

Topics: Bill Simmons, Boston Celtics, Denver Nuggets, Derek Fisher, Kobe Bryant, Lakers Haters, Lamar Odom, Los Angeles Lakers, Orlando Magic, Trevor Ariza

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  • JazzOwnYou

    Just because the Lakers Can buy a Championship- Everyone will hate them, especialy the Trailblazers. Derek Fisher is a liar and a fake, Kobe is a great basketball player but a terible person. Phil Jackson could not coach a mediocore team to even reach the playoffs, Name any of his teams that did not have one of the top 5 players in the NBA on his team. LAKERS are FAkers. They pay refs off to..

  • http://justblogbaby.com/ Just Blog Baby

    Jazz Own Nothing!

    Homie, you are a classic example of a hater. Who cares what flavor your haterade it, it all goes down the same.

    1) The NBA has a salary cap. The Yankess try to buy rings, the Lakers earn them. Know your facts.

    2) D-Fish is working on his 4th ring. How many does Stockton have?

    3) Phil took a Laker team with Kwame “The Biggest Bust in the Hisrory of the NBA” Brown as his center and Smush “I ball in China now” Parker as his starting point guard to the 8th seed in the the Biggest and Baddest Western Conference and pushed #1 seed Two MVP Nash Phonenix to seven games. Winning titles is what goes hand and hand with the greatest all-time. So by your logic Sloan is trash cause he never won with Malone. Or are you saying the Mail Man couldn’t deliver even though he had Pasty riding shot gun?

    3)David Stern pays refs.

    I’m just going to chalk this up to the fact that you don’t have cable cause the Feds dropped your signal in the digital transition. Those rabbit ears just aren’t what they used to be.

    Here in 2009, we’ve seen your Jazz come up short even though they had two HOFers on the roster, the Lakers threepeat, drop Shaq, re-up and re-build while the rest of you and your Dallas Meverick frosh/soph dynasties crubmle and wilt.

    Not sure you realize it but you just proved every word of this post.

  • kareemabduladam

    Guess that’s what happens when you come at Lakers bloggers after a tough loss. Represent, Chris.

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  • JazzOwnYou

    Kobe took the team to the 8th seed. Not Phil. And Smush had a great season that year.

    The Jazz dont sell enough Jerseys to win a championship. Its not about the game its about the money.

    Kobe and co sell Jerseys so they win titles, is kind of like a spiff bonus to the owners. How many small market teams have won a championship?? Dwade and the Heat??. The Jazz gave you Derek as he said he needed to be closer to medical treatment in Newyork, Yep hes closer. I hate that he had to go through that with his daughter but he still used it to get out of his contract. Bad Jazz move, I think they should have had a No Laker clause.

  • JazzOwnYou

    ok prolly not great season, I think he was like 3 assists and 12 points, with 1 steal a game “Smush” that season.

  • http://lakeshowlife.com/ kareemabduladam

    So, let me get this straight…

    The Spurs are an exciting big market team that sells shloads of jerseys? Hmmm…I guess you truly do learn something new each and every day.

  • JazzOwnYou

    They are a big market, exciting no, but big yes. Not sure how many jerseys they sell I think Dwade, Kobe, Lebron, CP3 hold the titles right now. But I am pretty sure there is a few Duncan, and Parkers out there. How many Coaches could win a title with the Lakers Team as it now? Phil sucks, I could coach the lakers to this title.

  • kareemabduladam

    San Antonio is not a big market. Probably bottom 10 in the league.

  • http://justblogbaby.com/ Just Blog Baby

    Let’s take a look…

    San Antonio (multiple titles, small market)
    Detroit (multiple titles, small market)
    Houston (multiple titles, not as big as L.A., NY or Chi markets)

    I feel bad for Jazz fans, honestly. You guys have had some great teams, a great coach, a fantastic owner, good fan support but no titles.

    Maybe, just maybe, it takes something extra to raise banners. Maybe something that is something Phil has and Jerry Sloan doesn’t. Don’t tell me that Malone and Stockton are not two all-time greats cause they are. So what is the excuse? Jordan stepped away from the game at his peak and the Jazz still couldn’t get one. So just blame it on…jersey sales?

    So sad…

    Smush Parker had a great year? Cousin, he’s not even in the NBA, NBDL or USBL. Smush had to defect to China to get a job playing ball. But Phil had nothing to do with getting the most out of Parker, Kobe “the horrbile human being” did. Please do us all a favor and stop watching the NBA. You’re a little out of your element.