10 Things I Hate About the Houston Rockets…
10. That I actually like seeing Dikembe Mutombo’s reaction on the bench when the Rockets make a nice play.
9. That milk-drinker/do-gooder Shane Battier looks like a pug and saves kittens out of trees. He’s the kind of guy every girl’s old man wants them to bring home. I despise that. Freakin’ boy scout.
8. There is no reason for anyone ever to wear a red bowtie and sports coat, Aaron Brooks. Unless you are calling the shots at Barnum and Bailey or chatting with Chairy. Brooks also looks like a pygmy Chris Rock.
7. Von [...]

I can’t think of a better way to get up for Game Two than…
10 Things I Hate About You: Utah Jazz
10. My friend used to use Mark Eaton when we were kids in one of the early EA Sports NBA games. Used to reject my shots all over the place. F*** that guy. Looked like a serial murderer on stilts.
9. Mehmet Okur’s hair. He’s like a younger, sleeker Rod Blagojevich.
8. AK47’s wife. She’s obviously trying to get herself a “get out of jail free” card to use down the line when she inevitably drops her pants for some Russian hockey [...]

As is the tradition around these parts, especially after a big Lakers win over those criminally boring pansies…
Ten Things I Hate About the San Antonio Spurs:
10. Manu Ginobili’s bald spot.
9. That the Spurs seemingly find some random warm body and turn him into an adequete swingman every single year.
8. That I currently live closer to the Spurs than any other pro sports team. I’m reminded of that on a daily basis. Why? Because I can smell the pigs that congregate at the trough they call the AT&T Center all the way from Austin. Actually, that’s the main reason I’m moving [...]

10. My friend used to use Mark Eaton when we were kids in one of the early EA Sports NBA games. Used to reject my shots all over the place. Fuck that guy. Looked like a serial murderer on stilts.
9. Mehmet Okur’s hair. He’s like a younger, sleeker Rod Blagojevich.
8. AK47’s wife. She’s obviously trying to get herself a “get out of jail free” card to use down the line when she inevitably drops her pants for some Russian hockey stud. Skank.
7. The Utah Jazz homepage had the nerve to poll whether or not Paul Milsap was an All-Star. Paul [...]

10. Bullets represents the D.C. area so much better than Wizards. People get shot there everyday, but I have yet to see a wizard show up and, for instance, fix the economy. Or even the Wiz roster, while he’s miraculously fixing things.
9. I figured out why DeShawn Stevenson holds his hand in front of his face like a retard when he hits a three. He has the plays written on his hand. That’s how he improved his SAT from 450 as a sophomore to 1,150 as a senior — by using his hand as a cheat sheet. Why change what [...]

10. Scottie Pippen. What is up with your nose, my man? You look more like a wildabeest than a bull.
9. Jerry Krause — Milton meets Newman (Phil Jackson’s favorite part of this countdown)
8. Derrick Rose is the ugliest rookie point guard with a pretty name since Damon Stoudamire.
7. Tyson Chandler. Brad Miller. Elton Brand. Even Eddy Curry. Funny how a team without a center has provided roughly half the league with one.
6. Luol Deng…um…fuck…can’t…say…anything…bad…about…him. Well, uh, he went to Duke!
5. Drew Gooden thinks this is cool.
4. You Windy City wastes of space ruined Alan Parson Project’s “Sirius” for me. That [...]

10. You gave the basketball world Dennis “the Worm” Rodman and Isiah Thomas. In related news, Rodman gave his worm to Thomas.
9. Allen Iverson. Because of him my unborn kids will never want to “practice.”
8. Tayshaun Prince can ball, but dude looks like he’s about to “phone home.”
7. In most towns, people with speech impediments get clowned on. In Detroit, they get to be the PA announcer.
6. Thanks for making me sit through the 2005 NBA Finals. Watching you guys play the Spurs was like watching the PBA tour or something.
5. Wálter Herrmann — half Fabio, half Hanson brother.
4. Kwame [...]