ESPN’s Chris Broussard is reporting that Ron Artest and the Lakers have agreed on a three-year, $18 million deal. The first thing that comes to mind when I think of this signing, is that the Lakers now, at least on paper, have one of the most-imposing foursomes ever to step on NBA hardwood together. Think about it in these terms (as Charles Barkley and Kenny Smith often did last season)…

Kobe Bryant is the best No. 1 option in the NBA. Sorry, King, but where’s the bling?

Pau Gasol is arguably the best No. 2 option in the NBA, or at the very least in the conversation. Only Chauncey Billups, Paul Pierce and maybe a revived Shaq come to mind as alternatives.

Ron Artest is arguably the best No. 3 option in the NBA, or at the very least in the conversation. Only Manu Ginobli and Rashard Lewis come to mind as alternatives.

Lamar Odom is arguably the best No. 4 option in the NBA, or at the very least in the conversation. Only Richard Jefferson comes to mind as an alternative.

Think about that. The Lakers’ four top options are arguably the best No. 1, 2, 3 and 4 options in the league. When was the last time a team had a foursome that was even in that ballpark? The Celtics and Lakers of the mid-80s?

That being said, the Lakers’ new fearsome foursome is so good they desperately need a nickname, and we’ve got one for them…

Bum, bum, bum bum, bummmmm….daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…

The Deadly Viper Assassination Squad

Starring…

Kobe Bryant as the Black Mamba – The deadliest assassin in the world.

Pau Gasol as California Spanish Mountain Snake – The Spanaird is a mountain of a match-up for any four or five in the L.

Lamar Odom as Cottonmouth Candymouth - L.O. might just be the most versatile player in the NBA.

And introducing…

Ron Artest as Copperhead Crazyhead – When his mind is right, he flat out murders the opposition.

This fall, this deadly group will come together and rally around one common goal. They will set out to…

With four of the NBA’s top 30 players, no washed-up Witness Protection agency is going to stop that from happening. No other team is going to stop this foursome either. Only three things can stop the DVAS: A.) An Artest meltdown; B.) Injuries; C.) Getting drunk, falling down and hurting themselves. Welcome to L.A., Crazyhead, er, Ron. Keep your mind right and your squad will get the big kill.

Goatee = Bad Travolta. As Sheed would say, "facial hair don't lie."

Yesterday, Phil Jackson took the Lakers on one of his famous playoff “field trips.” When I heard about it, nobody had any clue what that field trip was going to be. Now, we all know. The Zen Master took the team to the movies. From the O.C. Register:

Sensing something even more oppressive than the humidity in the air, Phil Jackson told his players upon returning to the hotel after practice that everyone would reconvene downstairs to catch the team bus again at 7:30 p.m. Attendance was mandatory.

And come nightfall, Jackson lifted his team out of this foxhole, freed them from the constant, constant, constant stress … and took them to the movies.

The Lakers watched “The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3,” Denzel Washington’s new thriller and a mainstream flick that could serve as escapism for one and all. Without worrying about how the next ball might bounce, they bonded as a team – detaching the players from their distracting families who are allowed on this one NBA Finals trip of the season.

This is a helluva strategy by Phil. Watching bad John Travolta — and, really, is there any other kind of Travolta at this point? — works miracles for one’s confidence. Personally, when I ever get down on myself about my creativity or writing, I just pop Battlefield Earth into my DVD player. Ta-duh! Confidence restored. That man is a walking, talking Razzie waiting to happen.

In all seriousness, watching Travolta ham it up for a couple hours with one of the best actors alive in a poorly reviewed Tony Scott ’splosion fest — ridiculous action, incoherent plot and a lots of scenes that are shot/lit to look that blue color he has a hard-on for — is probably a pretty good way to escape and move past a loss. Let’s just hope the Lakers don’t emulate Travolta’s filmogrophy over the last decade during the rest of this series, because if that happens we will be crowing Orlando as the new NBA champs. My guess is that tonight will be the Taking of Orlando 123 (with only one more win to go).